what if your penis could talk
it would probably be a dick all the time
(Source: w-ildaisy)
im on the highway to hell
I only come to Costco for the free samples
the entire school was burning down and i had to pull the fire alarm. i sprinted over to it. there was writing on it in permanent ink. it said: if you pull this down you are gay. no way was i pulling the fire alarm anymore
how do people maintain relationships for 2 years I cant even have a boy look at me for more than 30 seconds
one time my sister told me about this kid with a horrible peanut allergy who wouldn’t shut up and then the teacher turned around and was like “maybe if i shove a peanut down your throat you’ll shut up” and the whole class just went silent
(Source: spicesandvirtues)
i was at the bus stop with my sister the other day and for no apparent reason, she says: ‘dude, there are more dead people in the world than living people’ and the woman standing beside me whispered ‘holy shit’ and i fucking lost it
you’re the window to my wall
you’re the sweat that drips down my balls
same
(Source: meme-meme)
wearing cute underwear makes me hate myself a little less
